Read My Lips

Dear Diary,

2007-11-20T23:55:00.000-06:00

We had to put my dog down today. Chip. He was a greyhound and 14 years old...He died right in my hands. It's really hard to believe that, ya know? Anyway...

He's not going anywhere in his life. I don't need that. I need someone who is going to push me towards my goals, not hold me back. I need someone who will encourage me to go that extra mile. He doens't do that. He doesn't have a plan. I don't have a plan but I want one and I want someone to help me with that. What the fuck, I have a plan. I know what I want. I want someone else who knows what they want so we can acheive our goals together. Together. What happened to independence. I used to be so independent like in High School then college hit and all of a sudden I needed people. I needed someone. But I don't. I want. I honestly just want my independence back. I wanna fucking transfer outta this state. I wanna just fucking get away. That's all I want, God! Why can't I just get out?! Why can't the ONE person I want have a plan and do something with his life? Okay, so I'm bitching about little things but ya know, I have a right to. It's my blog. Not yours. Get over it and keep reading. I want Chip back. I'm a needy person? A little tonight. My mom and sister already put up the Christmas decorations. I think it's to get their mind off Chip. I miss Chip. I want to transfer. Yes, I'm running away from my problems but that's worked for me in the past and frankly, it will work for me now. Fuck reasoning.

No one reads these so let's play DIARY

2007-11-09T01:09:00.000-06:00

It was an epiphany sitting there in McDonald's with Megeao. It's my business with what I do with my body, ya know? If I don't want to tell my "best friend" that I did something, then I won't. Where in the BFF Handbook does it say you MUST share EVERY secret with your bff? Exactly, it doesn't. I'll share what I 'm comfortable sharing with who I want to share it with. I'm probably not sharing because I know you won't understand. You don't understand. You will never understand until you do what I'm doing. And until then, don't say anything to me about it.

I'm changing. For the better, I believe. But maybe it's worse. Oh'well

You're supposed to build connections with people in college because everyone knows someone. But...I'm not going to build...Okay, let's just start off with I prefer guy friends over girl friends. I just get along better with guys, they are more understanding and can give me a totally different view of a situation. I enjoy that. I'm here in college and guys think I want to fuck them. No. Incorrect. I want to be your friend and if we happen to get drunk and make out then so be it. We do, get over it. Anyway, I've become my cold-self again. Heartless almost. Not giving a flying fuck who walks into my life and their perception walking out. I won't hurt my friends though. Just the opposite sex. It's all just a game I've realized. Ya know, I thought people grew out of that. Something you should be growing out of and not just getting into. But, I was wrong. Which is rare honestly but ya know how that goes. Oh'well. I'm over it...

Who wants to play?

I am the Lion

2007-10-30T15:21:00.000-05:00

My weekend. It was an experience. A beautiful bliss. An awakening, to say the least.

I realized all my partying has been drowning who I am. I didn't think I liked who I was...no, that's a lie. I liked who I was, I was just bored. I wanted a change so I resorted to a change. Alcohol. My friends wanted a change so they, too, drank with me. We hit the party scene hard. It was around the last semester of my 10th grade year when it was rare to catch me on the weekends sober or even without xanax in my system. I ended up getting arrested with a public intox when I was 16. That didn't stop me. It just exhanced it. What else could happen, ya know? It wasn't until this past weekend of my Freshman year in College that I realized I lost who I was. It took a hallucinogen to get there but it happened. I'm tired of drowning who I am, ya know? I just need a break from it all. From everyone. I need to just get away from everything for a little bit. From the technology, from the same people, just from this party atmosphere to get my priorities stright.

While under the influence, if you will, I was staring at a planetarium. You know, the thing that puts starts and an arura on the ceiling to stare at. Anyway, while watching the transformation of the stars and the blue "water-wind" (it's what I called it because it looked exactly like that, water and wind), it had such soft edges. It danced across the ceiling. I just watched. It was beautiful. So beautiful. I couldn't capture it like on the camara or in a painting, it wouldn't be soft enough. It reminded me of human beings. How we are all soft and uncapturable. No picture can truly capture the beauty of a person.
And it's just like we are all entwined with each other. We weave in and out of each others lives, creating a chain reaction for the next person in line...

Ob-la-di Ob-la-da

2007-10-24T23:40:00.000-05:00

I'm in college but I don't believe my university has what I want or can get me to where I want to go in life. It's too caught up in it's traditions and the ways of the Bible belt to teach me what I need to know.
I want to transfer.
I'm going to transfer.
I will transfer.
I just have to start busting my ass. I'm too lazy though, but it's something I really want. I guess I must not want it that bad considering the fact I have a "F" in College Algebra. Yes, College Algebra. It's all done on the computer and frankly, the computers here hate me so I'm failing. That's what my conclusion has come to.
I want to start going back to church.
I want to pass College Algebra.
I really want a pair of speries and a North Face jacket for Christmas. I love Christmas. I love the snow and the smell of burning wood. That's how I know winter is coming. The smell of burning wood.
I'm rambling but this is MY blog so I'm going to continue with that. Got a problem? Didn't think so.
Gotta just get this out there, my friends are being bitches again. You know how you can have the 3 bff's but one is always somehow left out. That's me. They team up and go against me. I'll call them out on it eventually. Even if I don't, I find some satisfaction that I know things about the two of them that they don't know I know. It's beautiful. I think that makes my silence. That also makes me a shitty person...or friend. Or does it? I keep quiet about it so...who knows. I'm not stressing because I WILL transfer universities and be what I want to be. I will NOT stay in this poor excuse of a state because I'm bigger than it is.

I'm better than this.

I'm an addict.

2007-10-23T19:30:00.000-05:00

First blog, hope you can't tell...

I'm biting my nails again. I don't know if it's because I'm bored or if it's just because I'm addicted. Either way, at least I'm not eating because Halloween is coming up, and for some reason, I always lose my appatite this time of the year. I'm not anorexic or bulimic, just tired of having that pudge.
Speaking of addictions. I always thought of myself to be the last person to be an addict. I can't stop biting my nails, I can't stop looking at postsecrets and facebook, I think I'm halfway addicted to a person...Ya know, that took a lot to type. Just because I'm basically adimitting it to myself along with whoever wants to read this. I don't care though. I'm over it. I'm just happy I'm not an alcoholic, yet. I could easily be in my future at the rate I'm going but during November I'm taking a month of sobriety for God. Yes, I said it, God. Does this mean I'm a Christian? Yes it does. There, I said it. I'm a Christian who likes to party, but you know, I'm just as much of a hypocrite as you are but at least I can admit it. And I like to believe that until you can admit it, then you're more of an asshole and loser than me.
I have no more nails, it's more like nubs. I have fat fingers, too. Fat fingers and nubs. My hands look manly. Ha, I'm content with that though.
I'm content.